Abuses of power can be covert, passive-aggressive, and show up in self-destructive tendencies that manipulate others by arousing their feelings of fear, guilt, and anger.

The more subtle abuses of power and control are harder to recognize, especially when we ourselves are the ones utilizing them. Some are so ingrained in us and in our society that we are unaware of their destructive impact to ourselves and our relationships.

Good negotiators aren’t enforcers, asserting their agenda on others. Good negotiators work with others to create agreeable resolutions. If we want to be good negotiators, we need to be aware of how and why we use power.

Here are some examples of the subtle ways we abuse power from the book 30 Emotional Manipulation Tactics:

• Intermittent reinforcement: this is considered the most powerful motivator in existence where positive reinforcement—attention, praise, appreciation, affection, sex, adoration, declarations of love—is only given on a random basis. The person using this technique either gives positive reinforcement or withholds it to create uncertainty, anxiety, and longing in the victim.

• Negative reinforcement: I’ll stop doing something you don’t like when you start doing something I do like. For example, say you go out with your friends on Friday nights and your spouse doesn’t like it so they withhold affection or give you the silent treatment until you agree to quit going out on Friday nights with your friends.

• Indirect Insults: an underhanded way to disguise aggression and abuse is to deliver it without the angry or sarcastic tone of voice and to make it sound like teaching, helping, giving advice, and/or offering solutions.

• Insinuating comments or compliments: Have you ever had someone deliver a compliment to you in a way that left you feeling hurt or bewildered? Pay attention, it could be a sign of covert manipulation.

• Guilt: Being able to feel guilt is a good thing, it means we have a conscience. It’s a bad thing when it is exploited. Your conscience and your desire to be a good person can be used to control you.

• Shame: we feel shame when someone communicates to us that we are not worthy of respect; it is a feeling of deep humiliation. We feel guilty for what we do, we feel shame for what we are.

• Minimizing: being told you are making a big deal out of nothing, you’re exaggerating or overreacting.

• The Silent Treatment: using emotional and physical withdrawal as punishment. It is a way to convey contempt and that you are not worth someone’s time, love, attention, or consideration.

• Invalidation: rejecting, diminishing, ignoring, judging, or making fun of someone’s feelings. It demonstrates a lack of empathy.

  • “Get over it.”

  • “Stop taking everything so personally.”

  • “Lighten up.”

  • “It’s not worth getting upset over.”

• Belittling: diminishing other’s opinions and ideas either verbally or non-verbally, this can be with things like eye rolls, scoffs, smug smiles, sarcasm, or a mocking tone of voice.

It is important to be able to spot these tactics. One, so they can’t be used to control us. And, two, so we don’t use them in an attempt to control others.

Empowered individuals don’t try to control people. There is a profound difference between control and influence. The book Influencer explains it beautifully:

• An influencer motivates others to change.

• An influencer replaces bad behaviors with powerful new skills.

• An influencer makes things happen.

The sky is the limit...for an influencer.

Essential Questions

Here are some essential questions to ask yourself when working with influence and control:

• Can I spot the difference between an influencer and a controller?

• Can I spot the difference in myself?

• Is my intent to influence or is my intent to control?

• How can I switch to influence if my behavior is controlling?

If you find yourself on the controlling end of the spectrum, don’t beat yourself up. These behaviors are learned. The good news is, you can learn new behaviors—behaviors that will help you negotiate your way to the life of your dreams.