The Most Important Tool in Negotiation
How to Calm an Angry Person Down Quickly
“You will be able to stand in the presence of very strong emotions and say exactly the right thing in exactly the right way in exactly the right moment.”
This is the promise at the opening of the book De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less, by Douglas E. Noll. “You will be able to take insults, provocations, and disrespect from others without losing your cool,” Noll states.
Visions of calm, cool, collected me dance in my head.
I picked up the book to improve my skills as a communicator and negotiator. Dealing with angry people in a calm, rational way is one of the hallmarks of great leaders and well-respected individuals, two things that I aspire to be. The ability to resolve conflict in a productive manner is an essential skillset.
In business school, I was taught that one of the core tenets of a good negotiator is that they don’t get emotional. But, that statement never resonated with me. We’re human. We are emotional creatures. I don’t know how to not be emotional.
This is why I find a lot of beauty in Noll’s approach. It’s based on learning to identify emotions, not guard against them.
And Noll’s de-escalation technique is a fairly simple process:
Listen for emotions.
Reflect those emotions to the speaker.
His approach is very similar to the “Name It to Tame It” strategy developed by neuropsychiatrist and mindfulness expert Daniel J. Seigel for parents to use to help calm down an angry child.
Both approaches involve working with the emotion, not against it. We live in a culture that has taught us to ignore our feelings. We are not taught to feel our way through life. The general consensus is that logic and reason are the ideal states of mind. But as Noll points out in his book, “Without emotions, we cannot reason.” Emotions and reasoning work together.
Emotional competency is the most important tool for any negotiator.
The ability to notice, label, and validate emotions not only demonstrates emotional competency, but also has a calming effect. And a calm brain is a rational, logical brain. Plus, this technique can be used to de-escalate others or to de-escalate yourself.
At the core of Noll’s de-escalation technique is the ability to ignore the words being spoken and instead, focus on the emotional experience of the other person. To get started, there are only a handful of emotions to look for:
Anger
Fear
Anxiety
Disgust
Grief-Shame-Humiliation
Abandonment/Unloved
This technique will help you listen with empathy. You are not trying to fix anything or offer advice. You are letting the other person know that they are heard and they are understood.
Validating Versus Invalidating Statements
When we feel understood, we feel connected. This is why telling an angry person to “calm down” usually makes them angrier. Why? Because telling an angry person to calm down is invalidating. You’re communicating to them that their feelings aren’t legitimate.
Another saying to avoid, “I understand how you feel.” This can come across as condescending to an angry person. Rather than say you understand, demonstrate that you understand by stating the emotion they are experiencing. “You’re angry” is a validating statement.
Validating does not mean that you agree with why the other person is angry. It simply means you understand that they are. Once the person is calm, then you can move on to trying to solve the problem.
I’m the kind of person who likes to jump right in with my opinion or advice when I’m talking to other people, so I have to really practice listening and reflecting. I created this mantra to help me:
Label and validate. Label and validate. Label and validate.
Maybe it will help you to de-escalate an angry person sometime. Maybe if we all learn to de-escalate, we’ll have fewer angry people in the world.
Wouldn’t that be nice?